Creep

It creeps in sometimes.

The urge to revert back to old truths, old behaviors, old patterns that I know don’t work.

To buy into the “I’m so busy” mentality, running around like a chicken without a head and a sense of martyrdom wrapped around me like a a comforting straightjacket, justifying all the reasons I’m not doing what I said I’d do, why I’m not enjoying my days, my work, my life.

The urge to back away from the life I really want because it’s hard, because I’m scared, because I’m afraid I’m not enough or that I’ll learn something about myself that will unravel all the threads that hold me together.

What if those voices that live in the back of my head all end up being right? Then what do I do?

So I lean back into those old habits. I lean back into “too busy.”

Too busy to write my book.

Too busy to build my website.

Too busy to reach out to that contact and put myself out there.

Too busy to pitch that article. Or that idea. Or that program.

Too busy to stop when I’m sick or I’m tired or I need a little extra time outside.

Too busy to run in the woods or read a book that fills me up or bake a loaf of bread from scratch.

Too busy to focus fully on the people in front of me and the gifts they’re offering me and the joy of my time with them.

But what happens if I don’t?

What happens if I catch myself giving into that urge to revert and don't?

What happens if I catch myself leaning back into "too busy" and don't?

What happens if I stop comforting myself with all the perfectly valid reasons I’m not living the life I want to be living and I just start living it?

Not perfectly.

Not without mistake or flaw or failure.

But honestly. And with joy. And with ownership.

Ownership of my time.

Ownership of my knowledge and experience.

Ownership of my priorities.

Ownership of my life.

It creeps in sometimes. The urge to give less than I can, to be less than I am, to live smaller than I want to.

But I don’t have to let that creep take over. I don’t have to fall all the way back into those old habits.

I can stop whenever I want to.

I can begin again whenever I choose.

As many times as I need to.