Forget All or Nothing

So back in July, we signed up for Disney Plus specifically to watch Hamilton and we still have it because 746 viewings later, I’m still not done. #notevenclose #imnotthrowingawaymyshot

To make ourselves feel better about spending money on an entire channel for a single movie, we’ve been catching up on other things as well. Because I have a total weakness for any movie with a fight scene, we began the Avengers series (and all of its off-shoots and prequels and side-movies…there are a lot to keep track of, it’s not for the faint of heart).

We finished Endgame over the weekend and I’ve decided that slovenly Thor is among the funniest things ever. I giggled every time his beer belly showed up on screen. There’s something about the idea of a superhero Norse god getting out of shape that is just bizarrely hilarious.

Because it doesn’t seem like it fits, right?

It’s funny because there is a general dissonance around a superhero god being anything but strong and, well, heroic.

We expect our superheroes to be ALL hero, right? Isn’t that basically the definition of superhero? It’s all or nothing, isn’t it?

You’re either a superhero god or you’re a guy who hides in a cabin drinking beer and playing video games.

Unless you’re Thor in Endgame, I guess.

​Look, I know there are comic book folks out there who will point out the things I’m missing and that’s fine. This isn’t really about comic books or superheroes anyway.

It’s about that idea of “all or nothing” and the ways it shows up in our thinking, often without us even realizing it.

We love “all or nothing.”

We do.

It tends to be clear, straightforward, unambiguous.

Good or bad. Right or wrong. Black or white.

Which is mighty comfortable, right?

There’s no need for nuance or critical thinking or holding space for opposing ideas.

The thing is, very few things in the real world are truly all or nothing.

Most ideas, plans, people…they have more AND than OR to them.

Most are good AND bad, right AND wrong.

And learning to tolerate the tension inherent in that fact is a struggle most of us deal with day in and day out.

What does this look like? Here’s an example…

Throughout our lives, as we grow, we make determinations and choices about our values.

These values guide us and help us live our lives in accordance with our beliefs.

This is really important work and a key factor in making day-to-day choices we can live with.

And sometimes those values can be in direct opposition to one another in ways we didn’t expect.

I’ve heard a variation of this from a LOT of clients this year, and one that many of us can relate to to various degrees.

It generally goes something like this:

“I believe in compassion and love as the antidote to the hate in the world. I believe in supporting my loved ones and making sure that they know they matter to me and showing up for them when they are suffering or in pain. This love and compassion and support is a core value.”

“I also believe in equality and human rights for all people, everywhere. I believe that none of us are safe until all of us are safe. I believe in policymaking that reflects those beliefs. This is also a core value.”

No problem, right? These core values seem to go hand-in-hand.

And then this happens…

“My beloved grandfather (aunt, sister, dad, lifelong best friend, etc etc etc) is someone who loves me deeply and I love them deeply in return. And they hold beliefs that are in direct opposition to my beliefs, continue to support policymaking that opposes my core value of human rights.”

Whomp whomp.

All or nothing thinking tells us that in this situation, we must reject one or the other of our core values— either our love, compassion, relationship with our loved one, or our commitment to human rights and equality.

But there is another option.

It may be possible to hold both at once, to show your loved one caring and compassion while also disagreeing with them. And I don’t mean hiding your disagreement or compromising your values in a way that makes you feel complicit.

I mean truly holding both at once.

This can look a lot of different ways, depending on the loved one and how they express themselves, but perhaps it’s as simple as acknowledging that you don’t have to agree with everything someone says or believes in order to still love them. 

Sometimes relationships have a lot of layers and they can feel complicated and still be worthwhile. 

We can argue vehemently with someone, think they’re dead wrong about something, and still love them.

I’m not saying there’s not tension and a whole lot of discomfort.

There is.

There absolutely is.

It requires digging deep and leaning on curiosity and allowing for AND to displace OR.

It can be a damn hard place sometimes. It can feel very complicated.

But it’s often where growth can be found.

Rejecting all or nothing— allowing for the grey areas, allowing for the discomfort of opposing ideas to share some space, making intentional decisions about how you choose to prioritize the values you hold— can be a place of expanded understanding and compassion.

It still requires honesty and sometimes there will simply be moments when, all factors considered, we make choices that do end up feeling “all or nothing.”

But our brains like to default to “all or nothing” out of ease and simplicity and I urge you to try to catch those thoughts, to ask if they’re actually true or actually serving you.

And defaults should almost never be left unexamined.

Here are some other phrases that are indicators that all or nothing thinking is at play:

I’m failing.

Today was a terrible day.

He’s a jerk.

I suck at this.

I’m a bad mother.

She’s a success.

I’m a good person.

I’m a bad person.

The world sucks right now.

Are you seeing the theme?

If we can think of an exception, we can bust through the thinking.

I’m failing— At everything? Really? There’s not a single thing that’s working? Anywhere? (Set aside the self-pity for a sec and be honest…really? Nothing at all is working? That seems highly unlikely.)

Today was a terrible day— except the part where you ______(talked to your friend on the way to work; laughed out loud at that meme on Instagram; had a stellar sandwich for lunch; felt the sun on your face; etc etc etc)

He’s a jerk— or... maybe you only know him in this very limited context and there might be any number of situations where that might not be true; maybe he’s super sweet with his pet gerbil…do you know for sure?

See what I mean?

This has grown far longer than I’d intended, so I’ll wrap it up.

Just remember, most of us aren’t superheroes OR villains…we carry within us a little of each and whole lotta in-between.

Most of us aren’t going to be responsible for single handedly saving the world, but we’re very responsible for taking good care of our small corner of it.

And it’s likely we won’t always be perfect at it.

But we don’t have to be— it’s really not all or nothing.

TRY THIS:

• Create a blank note on your phone or keep a piece of paper next to you today.

• Listen for the thoughts or words you have that might be indicating “all or nothing” thinking.

• Jot them down.

• Take a moment— either right then, or at the end of the day, or tomorrow morning— and ask yourself what exceptions might exist or whether these ideas are as entirely mutually exclusive as you initially thought.

• Rewrite the phrase/thought.

Bonus: I’ve mentioned here before that I like the Insight Timermeditation app (the free version is totally fine!). I’m a huge fan of a teacher there, Dora Kamau. She has a 4-minute meditation called “To Be Both” that I urge you to try if you’re interested in breaking this default to all or nothing thinking! 4 minutes…just try it.

Stay curious out there, my friend.

P.S. I want to say THANK YOU so, so much to each of you who have reached out about my Mom and offered me your love and support— I can’t tell you how much it’s meant to me. Thank you so much. You are a gift in my life and have brightened my days.